Random Thoughts

thought 4: I've realized something about myself: I'm a pretty ridiculous person. I am entirely way too dependent on grades. I almost died when I thought I was going to make a "B" in a class I've worked my butt off in (an ungrounded fear I soon discovered). I'm also way too dependent on what people think about me. I can't even sleep at night if I think someone has a problem with me; I have to have everyone be okay with me, and in the end, that's just not feasible. And I'm way too dependent on what I can see. If I can't see it, it's really hard for me to trust that God can. Like the future. Those things are difficult for me to trust God with, because I'm constantly combating this "I have to know!" mentality. I guess all of it is ultimately a control thing...

thought 1: I don't know what the big fuss is concerning "Redeeming Love." I swear I've heard over and over about how wonderful that book is, it'll teach you how to really love someone, it's the perfect picture of God's love for us, ... I'm just a little into it, but I keep having to repress the urge to gag. It's obvious the author is working her ass off trying evoke some deep, emotional response from me, and frankly, I refuse to give it to her. At least for now, because the story is oh so predictable and cheesy. I mean, I guess it's beautiful and all, but it's also really sappy (I think the novel would be a great soap opera actually). I simply refuse to be emotional for its own sake, so hopefully the story will pick up and do something else for me. I guess I'm also not a huge fan of the metaphor for sinful, disobedient humanity being an adulterous woman and loving, redeeming God being a man. But that's probably just the feminist in me brought out from working with people like Liz, Carrie, and Collyn in the Writing Center ("Den of Prosperity").

thought 3: I just got back home from good ol' Gardner-Webb. I'm already counting the days till I go back, and I already freaking miss everyone there--some more than others, obviously. Geeze.

thought 2: I'm slightly perturbed that as soon as the homework, reading, studying, and exams end and I actually have time to blog, I really don't have much to say; that the times when I'm stressed-out-of-my-mind-I'm-so-busy, those are the times when I have things to say. That is just silly. Since I have no more thoughts of my own, I'll voice someone else's:

"On that night nothing is ever the same again. Once you've seen him in a stable you can never be sure where he will appear, or to what lengths he will go, or to what ludicrous depths of self-humiliation he will descend in his wild pursuit of man.
If holiness and the awful power and majesty of God were present in this least auspicious of all events, this birth of a peasant's child, then there is no place or time so lowly and earthbound but that holiness can be there too."

-Frederick Buechner

Broken Bird

Ok, I'm totally breaking my commitment not to blog during exam week. I really just want to post a poem written by one of the most beautiful women I've ever met. It has brought so much healing and encouragement to me, and I want to share that. Shout out to my girl, Nikki Raye Rice.

"Broken Bird"

I read a story once
where an angry man
crushed a bird in his hand.
And lately I've asked,
"Am I the bird, God?
And you, the wrathful palm?"
Because I'm feeling out of
flight, broken, and grounded.
I hated that part,
that a man so merciless
would crumple a creature
so meek in his fingers.

But, You are not just a man.

And like balm on a broken wing,
your mercy is spread thick over me.
I am not caught in your clutches
or crippled by my circumstances.
I am held.
And I know that there is no better
place to break
than in the hands of a healer.

Washing Days

I woke up this morning with a song in my head. It's a gospel song my church sings a lot. It really only consists of about one phrase, which is repeated over and over again. It's so simple, but so penetrating. The song simply states:

My storage is empty, and I am available to you.

Something about myself you may not know? I like to create medleys in my head. Well, this morning, the medley I've created has been with this song and with another song we always sing at my church. Once again, this song's pretty simple, but so penetrating. It simply says:

Increase my capacity for You.

This past month has been a breaking month for me. God has been working like mad--tearing down walls, burning bridges--completely breaking me. And I feel broken. The past couple days, I've felt so worthless and broken. But I believe that I woke up today with these songs in my head and heart for a reason. I feel broken because my storage is empty. God has exposed so much of the garbage and secrets I've been hiding, and s/he's taken those away from me. They're not mine anymore. I actually feel like my storehouse has been emptied. Of everything. of me, my secrets, my pride. everything. But I know I'm in a healing place now, and I need God to increase my capacity for her/him so I can be filled with that. While I felt broken about that yesterday, I feel excited and encouraged today, because I know that being broken and ultimately emptied helps place me in a position to be filled and used by God.

That's why God made it rain today. Today is a cleansing day, a washing day. Today is a day of purification. I need God so much to cover me, fill me; and I feel him/her raining down on me, soaking my skin, and washing me. And so, this medley is my prayer today--my prayer for myself, and my prayer for those in my life right now: God, increase my capacity for you; my storage is empty, and I am available to you.