A New Work

The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; Your steadfast Love, O Lord, endures forever. Do not forsake the work of your hands. (Psalm 138:8)

I’ve adopted this verse as my theme and prayer for the summer while working here at the Boys and Girls Home. In the face of discouragement and frustration, which threatens to take me under everyday, God’s promise faithfully lifts me above the water: “A New Work,” I hear God whisper in my ear.

I was studying that verse above, and in the original Hebrew, the word used on that second line for “steadfast Love” is the Hebrew word hesed (Blue Letter Bible). According to several of the Bible dictionaries I’ve consulted, hesed means an enduring and lasting Love, or like my translation of the scripture put it, a “steadfast Love.” One scholar put it this way: “Hesed connotes a depth of loving-kindness unmatched in the world’s various kinds of love.” Hesed, this deep and holy love, is everywhere.

Genesis tells us God’s hesed preserved Joseph as he suffered in prison after being betrayed by his brothers and master.  Exodus tells us God’s hesed saw the Israelites suffering and led them out of slavery into a land of promise. Jeremiah tells us God’s hesed was stronger than the sins of the people and it drew them back to God. Daniel tells us God’s hesed protected Daniel and granted him favor in the eyes of the King. Jonah tells us God’s hesed transformed Jonah in the belly of the fish and gave him strength to fulfill God’s plan for his life. What I find when I study the Bible is unending evidence of God’s hesed, and it’s that same everlasting Love that the Psalmist writes about.

The reminder of God’s hesed in this scripture comforts me, and God’s promise here rouses me. I can’t always see what God’s purpose is for me, but I know God sees it and promises to fulfill it. To think that I am a work—a piece of art or a construction project—is both humbling and empowering; I am not my own, and yet it’s God’s hands that are on me—pressing me, fixing me, and turning me into something greater than what I am right now. Coming vulnerable and weak to allow myself to be changed by a power I don’t quite understand is scary, but when I remember that the hands of God move over and through me in hesed, I realize that the pain I feel is God working out the lumps and smoothing me into a masterpiece of priceless worth.

God has begun a work in my life, and God promises not to give up on me. As the Psalmist writes, “The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me.”

On Earth

You know when Jesus closes his prayer and says, "Thy Kingdom come, Thy Will be done, on Earth as it is in Heaven."? Well, I've been thinking a lot about that lately. This past week in Sunday school, we kept talking about the point of Christianity being Grace, being saved from eternal punishment, a loving God giving us eternal life if we choose it in the way we're told He (She) wants it. Now, I love that Sunday school, but I'm not so sure about the theology anymore. What I've been taught all these years growing up in the church misses the point. It's got to.

I'm reinventing my eschatology, because I'm just not convinced that Heaven's so exclusive and Hell's so default. But good grief! is that too much to talk about in one blog post, and it's not what I want to focus on anyway. I don't think Jesus wanted us to focus on it so much, not in the ways we're doing it now at least.

Okay, here's my theory. Think about what pisses you off, disturbs, or saddens you most about life here on earth (I'm thinking about kids being abandoned, orphaned, left feeling unloved and unwanted). Now imagine the best Heaven you can possible conjure up (I'm thinking about everyone feeling totally loved and wanted, everyone belonging and communing continually). Whatever you just imagined--for that will look very different from person to person--is your responsibility. Jesus said so himself. "On Earth as it is in Heaven." Jesus seems more concerned about widening the gaps to let Heaven crash into Earth here and now than He is about us one day being in Heaven later.

Maybe that little exercise in imagination doesn't work for everyone, but it definitely works for me. We've got to start laboring and toiling and never stop striving to bring to Earth that vision of Heaven each of us has. It may seem futile work (it very well may be), but it seems the only thing worth our blood.

"Surrender is the only thing that is our own." ---Mother Teresa

God, why can't I do this?

Why's it so hard to just get it right?

I keep thinking I'm ready so I jump in mid-flight,

and all I seem to do is fall

when faced with the sight

of myself.

God, why can't I do this?

Why's it so hard to surrender?

I try something else and all I engender

is more of the cold, hard pain I feel.

Another man a pretender, and defender

of what? Of Polo and Cee Lo?

Crack Cocaine and Lil Wayne?

More fly sedans and retirement plans?

Lifestyles of haste, our style of life is just waste,

and in the fiscal year of 2010

our budget of Defense was surpassing 285 billion?

What are we defending?

What is it here that's so precious that makes us think

our money is best spent on protecting it?

But me, nah, I got this down pat.

I know Your plan so I spit out the facts

of what it means to do this and that.

As far as being a Christian goes,

I know how to act

and play the game,

but I have no clue about the stakes of this poker match.

It seems like every day I'm gambling and I'm donning a new hat

to try to look the way I feel I should for You.

And I get it. I get it.

I get my life on track,

and I can see a higher path

of love and what a life of devotion

looks like. As a matter of fact, 

I start feeling your presence thick around

and chasing the sound of your music.

Life starts making sense,

with my time spent in your midst

in the presence of the poor and lonely,

those you bring to my attention.

But why is it that my prayers of praise soon turn to contention,

and all of my efforts and time and energy

result in only another invention of just more dissension,

and with three steps forward I turn back

in the wrong direction?

God, why can't I do this?

Why can't I get this right?

Somebody is always trying to fight
for my time,

and since I feel like I have to do it all,

I make nothing the priority

and always give in to what the majority

says I should be doing.

It's not until later that I remember the Authority,

or what should be in my life.

I'm too afraid of what being the minority

means--lonely, unhappy, desperate, lacking?

The fear's too strong and the lows hurt too long

for me to sit back and just wait.

Isn't that what you say trusting is?

Just.
waiting.

God, why can't I do this?

When will my good be good enough,

and my desires end for all this stuff

I keep carrying around in my wallet and closet
and wearing on my face? I know it's time to deposit
all this in You.

But, this conceit lives the life of the leech sucking deep.

My pride works against me, and my mind just conspires

and plays games of vampires--draining my soul.

Everything we ever worked for,

sucked...out...slowly...

God, I feel so lowly

when faced with myself.

Why can't I do this?
Worry's hills are the only ones my eyes look towards.

Not knowing the future
and never to be sure, it's so hard
when my trust is so immature.
It's time I conjure up something new.
My mind and my thoughts in the end point to You,
my soul and my spirit lined with Yours finally true;
my will and my desire,
my possessions and dreams all turn to fire,
all bow down when my self is faced with You.
God, my air, my time, my blood, my life: it all belongs to You.
The only thing you seek
is the one thing that keeps me free
of You and inadvertently the one thing
keeping me back from being me--the me created to dwell in You.
So why's it so hard to give up that one thing,
that one thing you ask of me?
Surrender

A Wasteful God

God, I am so pissed off at You right now!

I just got a facebook message from one of my Camp Joy kids. I've spent only 5 days a year with him for 4 summers, and it's been over a year since I've last seen him. Yet, out of the blue, he sends me this message saying how I'm like a brother to him. That he remembers when we prayed together, just us two. That when his guardians yell at him, he remembers all the love he felt at camp. That no one's ever led him to You God like I have.... What the hell is that, God!?!?!

He says those things about me? It's been over a year, and I was only with him for 5 days a year before that. Where are the parents he deserves? Where's the environment and the neighborhood he deserves? Where's the school and the opportunities he deserves? Where's the security and the family and the constant love he deserves? Where's your church, God? Answer me! I'm so angry at you God! You mean you've put no one else in his life to love him and lead him to You, except the crazy white college kids he sees 5 days a year, college kids he's too old to see at Camp now? I don't understand God, but I will love these kids until it kills me, even if their maker won't.

I don't trust you, God. I trust you with Keith. You've done nothing but lavish blessings on me--education, family, opportunities, love. What I don't trust you with are all these kids I see all around me. Kids labeled high risk because they aren't first in anyone's lives. Because You aren't loving them like you're loving me. I see you bring Heaven to me, beneath my feet, here in this world everyday; but I don't trust you to bring about Heaven here for all these kids. Heaven here. Heaven now. I don't trust that one day You'll make all this okay, but that won't stop me from giving and working and hurting and dying and trying until every youth I meet knows and feels they're loved, and then lives in that love so completely that their lives become dedicated to the same suicidal purpose of persisting in love.

I don't trust you. I'm having too hard a time seeing past what I see right now. I see too many without any love, without any homes, without any hope. Too many with only the negative as influences. Too many that know despair and abandon more than joy and affection. Too many surrounded by only hatred and selfishness. Too many orphaned. Too many never hearing the words,

"I love you. I believe in you."

No God. I don't trust you. Not with that. They're too valuable, too priceless for flippant and reckless trust.

I don't trust you, God.

But I want to.

I read in one of Your scriptures today, Luke 9, that popular Sunday School story about Jesus feeding the 5,000 with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish. I don't believe you, I don't trust you for miracles like that anymore. But I want to. I want to believe in a God that preaches healing and hope to hurting people, and a God that when others say it's time to send the people home so they can eat, says, "No. We feed them," and a God that then takes a meager meal and turns it into a feast, physically feeding and showing people what Heaven here looks like. A God that is verb-loving the people here, now. I wan't to believe in that kind of God. And how wasteful you were! There were 12 basketfuls of food left over!

God. Take the 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish that I am, and feed 5,000. Prove to me that I'm not wrong in wanting to trust You. Prove to me that you're still a wasteful God. Be wasteful in your use of my life. Show me what Grace and Provision and Love in waste look like.

Remembering the Semester, Anticipating the Summer

Haha, that last post looks so dramatic now. It was for real at the time, though. I now want to write about some of the ways God has answered that prayer...

This past semester, I've gotten involved in a youth group that I met on a Focus trip last semester (Zoar Baptist). At the beginning of the semester, I went and helped out with the occasional Bible study, mainly going when I could find the time and when I didn't have a lot of work. Towards the end of the semester, I was going every Sunday night and every Wednesday night. I also hung out with any of the youth that wanted to hang out with me, anything from disc golf to tennis to hide-and-seek tag in Walmart (is that bad?). It's amounted to me hanging out with high schoolers during like 80% of my free time.

And life's never been so good.

First of all, it's amazing how much a bunch of high school guys can teach you about God. I would hope that each of the youth would say something about me being a witness for Christ and a Godly influence in their lives. I would hope that each of the youth would say something about me showing them a bigger picture of God's Grace and Love relentlessly fighting for them. I would hope that each of the youth would say something about me leading them to a deeper relationship with God. But the truth of the matter? They do that for me. Screw accountability partners. You want to be held accountable in speech, action, lifestyle? Find some people younger than you, people you'd give your life for. I'd do anything to see those youth get closer to God. And to think that maybe, maybe, just one of those youth looks up to me? Well, that's enough to keep me accountable.

In so many ways, by getting to know both the youth and some of their families, I've found my own families away from home while at Gardner-Webb. That's really taught me about God's Love. For sure. I love it when a parent says or writes something. Those moments are worth a world of encouragement, and God has really used them to minister to me. But overall, the most encouraging and inspiring moments I've had have been the result of words from these guys, often in the form of a random text or facebook message. Here are a few:

~keith can i ask u a favor? i always forget to read my bible will u hold me accountible and remind me? and if i have questions can i call u and talk about them? i reall ywanna get in the habit of doin this like we talked about in church
~alright im not finished yet but i read the first chapter of james im goin to read some more tommorrow and im praying for you
~i love you bro!!! thank u for everything
~keith andres menhinick im gonna miss you so much over the summer but i hope you have fun in costa rica and spread the love of christ around there you have definetly opened my eyes and showed how much love can make a difference but i cant wait until next week i love you man!!

I do not deserve this.

God has completely and totally expanded my worldview by focusing it on these youth. I see a bigger picture of myself and of life and of relationship, but what I've awakened to most is a bigger picture of God's Love. I would literally die for any one of those kids right now. Just for one of them to have another chance or a better opportunity I'd give everything. I find that when I'm alone, all I want to do is pray for them. These youth motivate me to change, to live differently, to be someone worth following. Maybe it's needless to say, but I've become attached to these kids, and I love them like crazy. I will miss them all so much this summer.

This summer... another crazy way God has answered my prayer. This Monday morning, I'm flying to Costa Rica. Last summer, I spent about a month there with the school to study Spanish, and I fell in love with the country. Now, I have the opportunity to go back with one of my bestest friends ever, Rosalee Johnson!, and work with some missionaries down there, spreading the Love of Christ (see youth message above). I might even get to help with music worship while I'm there. Spanish, missions, music, Rosalee...really God?

I do not deserve this.

I guess the point of all this is to say that God answers prayers. I wanted God to really use me for something worthwhile in life, something that will last, and now I feel used and see evidence of God's working in my life. I wanted an opportunity to leave America, apply my Spanish, and immerse myself in missions, and now I'm packing my bags to go. We serve an Awesome God, one who hears and answers prayer. God had to take me through a lot and take a lot away from me to get me here, but the place where I am with God right now is immeasurably better than any place I ever imagined.

And I know that the best I can imagine for the future is way less than what God's wanting to do.

A Birthday Prayer

Ephesians 3:20-21

"Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all we can ask or think, according to the power that works in us, unto God be all glory in the church and in Christ Jesus unto all generations for ever and ever"

Every once in a while, I'll write something down on paper because I feel like it's too intense or too emotional or too personal for the blog. Today, I was reading back through some of those writings, and I found a prayer that I had written while in a lot of anguish. I know, "anguish" is quite a dramatic word, but that's the place where I was. Long story short, God's answering my prayer in BIG ways. It is kind of intense so I'll only post an excerpt and edit some of it, but I wanted to post what I had written because God has answered this prayer far beyond what I even imagined, and so I pray it be a testimony to where God takes us when we cry out to Him/Her.

Bleeding into our Art

"When a theologian comes to visit [sculptor Harriet March] at her studio and he has all sorts of polished and complicated ides about God and suffering and life, Harriet explains to him how she sees the world through her work.

'But no matter how much the mess and distortion make you want to despair, you can't abandon the work because you're chained to the bloody thing, it's absolutely woven into your soul and you know you can never rest until you've brought truth out of all the distortion and beauty out of all the mess- but it's agony, agony, agony- while simultaneously being the most wonderful and rewarding experience in the world - and that's the creative process which so few people understand.

'It involves an indestructible sort of fidelity, an insane sort of hope and indescribable sort of....well, it's love, isn't it?  There's no other word for it...And don't throw Mozart at me...I know he claimed his creative process was no more than a form of automatic writing, but the truth was he sweated and slaved and died young giving birth to all that music.  He poured himself out and suffered.  That's the way it is.  That's creation......You cannot create without waste and mess and sheer undiluted slog.  You can't create without pain. It's all part of the process.   It's in the nature of things.

'So in the end every major disaster, every tiny error, every wrong turning, every fragment of discarded clay, all the blood, sweet and tears- everything has meaning.  I give it meaning.  I reuse, reshape, recast all that goes wrong so that in the end nothing is wasted and nothing is without significance and nothing ceases to be precious to me.'


"Is she talking about sculpture or life?"
(Drops Like Rain by Rob Bell)

Traditional Theology: Moving on to the Next Kid on the Bench

A theology I heard a lot growing up in the church goes something like this:  If I choose not to obey God's prompting, I miss an opportunity, sin even. However, if God wants something done, it will happen. God isn't dependent on my obedience, and He'll find someone else to do it.

Disagree. It's a nice idea--that God doesn't need us and that ultimately God's will is accomplished, that if I don't do something for God it ultimately doesn't matter because God will find someone else to do it. It really is a nice, reassuring idea about the control and Sovereignty of God. I just don't think it's right.

I know everyone quotes Ephesians 2:10, but there may be a crucial truth here--"We are God's workmanship/masterpieces, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which he prepared in advance for us to do." Maybe we really were created for specific good works.

Maybe God created Keith to do certain things in this world, to reach certain people, to speak certain truths about the unique aspect of God that he sees best. And maybe God created you for something specific, for something no one else can do quite like you can. Maybe you can see and love a side of God that I can't, not in the same way. And maybe you can do things in this world that I can't do, and maybe you can reach people in this world that I can't reach. Maybe that's why God created individuals.

Maybe if I don't do the works God's created me to do, God won't give someone else my load and have them carry the slack. Maybe there really is something specific that God's created me to do, and if I don't do it, it won't get done.

Former President Dwight Eisenhower, commenting on his Presidency and life, attributes all of his success to  the message that his parents instilled in him: "The world could be fixed of its problems if every child understood the necessity of their existence."

Maybe there's a necessity for you. Maybe God made you just the way you are, placed you in certain situations for a reason. Maybe God does have a purpose for your life, a work created in advance for you to do, a work that won't get done if you don't do it. A work that can only be fulfilled by one person--you.

Retort to "Does God Have a Specific Plan For Your Life? Probably Not."

I don't know so much that I disagree with Donald Miller in his post. As far as my personal theology goes, I don't really know where I stand. What I don't like is the effect that I see his post having. If you want something really interesting to read, check out the comments people have left to his post. It's much more entertaining than the post itself. Depressing, though.

My summary of Don's post: God may or may not have a plan for your life; some of us are simply given a blank canvas and told to "Draw baby draw!" Okay. Theologically, I see this issue boiling down to a choice. Obviously, there's no right answer. What I mean is that I can look at life and scripture the way he did, or I can choose to look at life and scripture from another perspective. Each can yield a number of different theologies, each being just as easy to justify. I can argue and debate and defend in circles my whole life. I guess what I'm getting at is that eventually I choose either to accept this set of evidences or that set of evidences. So, maybe it may be more important to consider how a theology affects people. (This isn't one of those truth-is-relative-so-choose-what-makes-you-feel-best kind of messages, I promise)

Looking at the comments people left on Don's wall showed me a lot. Some people said, "Why is that such a HUGE relief to me?" I can see someone reading Don's post, someone that doesn't feel any strong pulls in this direction or that direction or any direction, and this theology bringing freedom, "relief" as that person said. For a lot of people, it probably takes the pressure off of life and decisions, gives people space to really live. Instead of thinking she has to wait around to hear God's divine voice saying "DO THIS," she can just live and trust that God'll be there. A theology like this can be very freeing.

Then there are comments like this one: "As a non-believer, I find the musings of believers regarding the true nature of god to be as relevant and substantial as the daily horoscope in your newspaper." This comment strikes me as very interesting. This self-classified "non-believer" clearly spent time reading Don's blogs and others' responses and then writing his own very eloquent rebuttal. His whole point was that the entire conversation regarding God's purpose for our lives was meaningless and a waste of everyone's time. And yet he's engaging in this very conversation, reading this blog. I don't know. Seems to me like he's searching for something...

And of course, the comment we've been anticipating, including reference to the world's most overly quoted scripture: "When I read Jeremiah 29:11-12 'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord. 'Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'–I don’t read that as a benign generalization. I believe my God is an intensely personal God, a father who is very interested in my day to day existence." I completely understand what this person is saying. Taking scripture out of context aside, this person clearly finds hope in a theology that values her. Her understanding of God--a God that has a defined plan for her life--gives her purpose. It gives her a net beneath her tightrope decisions. I see her as someone that needs something to cling to, something to give her a reason for life, to give her hope. For her, to really buy into a theology like the one Don sells is detrimental because it takes away that safety net. It robs her of her source for purpose, for meaning, and for hope. A theology like Don's can end up yielding a response like this one, left by another person on the discussion board: "If there is no plan, then why bother."

So back to the question: Does God have a purpose for my life? or am I free to paint my own portrait of life? I find this whole discussion extremely fascinating. However, I can continue to theorize, rationalize, philosophize...to expound on my theories...to take scripture from here and from there...to analyze these and those testimonies...to read what the big people say, the people with more knowledge and expressive eloquence than me...to speculate, and postulate, and estimate, and predicate...

or

I can look deep inside of myself and realize that ultimately I'm searching for something. Whether we promote this theology, that belief, this conviction, that interpretation, we're all searching for something, something to give meaning to our existence.

Bloody Right Toe

Oh, but I'm not done.

I hate seeing people live for their ministries because they love their ministries. I know, sounds weird. The thing is, when we finally figure out what it is God created us for, it is awesome! There's nothing more that we want than to dive into that one thing--whether loving kids, building homes, healing sick, enriching education, whatever. Finally, we find something worth pouring everything into. We give all that we are to this one thing. Everything. It's exhausting and painful, and we grow tired and weary and drained in our service. But, Love inspires us again. We find new energy and motivation and passion, and we jump back in.

This is a good thing, but it's so dangerous. Our ministry should be a means to God, but too often it becomes our end, our God. We do it because we've finally found something that encourages us, something that brings us purpose and joy and affirmation, because that's what we were created for, right? Ephesians 2 talks about how God created us for the good works s/he prepared for us to do long ago. So yes--we were created to do good works, but that was never supposed to be our focus. When our ministry versus our God becomes our focus, we start experiencing doubt and jealousy and gobs of other emotions. And we wonder why we're so burned out.

It's just so hard when we finally find that one thing in life that we really care about. Before long, we start doing that one thing for that one thing's own sake and not because it's the best way we can respond to God. Our expressions of love for others in our ministries should come of the overflow of love we have for God. It has to come out of that overflow. The problem when we start focusing on our ministry first and God second is that "then our service becomes self-centered instead of God centered, people- rather than God-pleasing" (Marva Dawn, Joy In Weakness). When this happens, our ministry has lost all effectiveness.

I love what Marva Dawn says on this subject. She goes on to say: "We cannot do eternal work if we do not work for the sake of the eternal One. We mistake the journey for its end and love the road instead of the One who called us to walk on it. This is an especially great danger because then our service points to the wrong focus. We do not direct others to God, but to our work, our deeds, ourselves."

Yes, I am preaching to myself. I'm trying to constantly talk to my kids and others about God, how God can renew and transform and change us. I have no right to make these claims, though, if I am not allowing God to do these things in my own life, to transform me.

I have a lot of thoughts running through my head right now. I guess the point I'm trying to make is where are you pointing? Is your ministry a response of your love for God, or is your ministry your first love? Is everything you do pointing back to your own work and your own ministries, or is everything you do pointing back to God?

(Also, if what I've said here doesn't apply to you only because you don't think you have a ministry, find one now! Look around you, go back to your bloody left toe, and care about something. The world can't afford to wait. Something isn't getting done in God's kingdom because of our present inaction.)

Bloody Left Toe

Care about something! I am so freaking sick of seeing people not care. Sleep, class, eat, sleep, chill, work, party, sleep, class, eat, chill, work, party, sleep... I hate seeing people just existing. What are you doing with your life? Well, one day I'm going to be a doctor. Oh my goodness. Someone bake some friggin cookies and give that person two of em! I'm talking about the here and now. I look around and I see too many people going through the motions, living in a routine, not really caring about something. I don't even care if all you care about is your bloody left toe. Just care about something! and surround yourself with that thing. Pour time, money, energy, emotions into something. Invest everything you have, everything you are.

Oh, but there's so much risk. Nothing's really worth all of that. Well, except for me. I'm worth all of that stuff.

College is so egocentric. Someone (we shall say this person is male) spends his entire senior year of high school trying to figure out where he wants to go to school, how he can get scholarships, what he can do to begin the rest of his life. He goes to college and has his own little cute dorm room, and his own little cute friend group. He has his own specific major, and he's here to further his education. And then he stresses out about the rest of his life--where will he live, what will he do, what jobs will he get. What does he want in life. But wait! He's a Christian. And look! He's going on a short-term mission trip. And it makes him look good and him feel good about himself. And he goes on for the rest of his life, getting his own education, getting his own job, making his own money, having his own life.

College. It can all be so self-serving.

The ideas of this blog, including the phrase "I don't even care if all you care about is your bloody left toe. Just care about something!" are brought to you by the inspiration of Heather Wright.

Collateral Blessings of Going to Class

Every Monday, I have a night class from 6 to 9, the teaching of writing. The class is composed of half undergraduate and half graduate students, all either prospective or current teachers, so it makes for some very interesting discussions. I love the class. One of my fellow undergraduate friends, however, always has the same complaint: the undergraduate students are optimistic and passionate, aiming to change the world through teaching; the graduate students are negative and bitter, having lost their love of teaching. I suppose to some extent this is true. At least, I understand why he would say that. I hope he saw things differently tonight.

Recently, the graduate students have been giving presentations and leading class discussions for the first half of class. One of the graduate students tonight presented on self-efficacy and writing. She was asking a lot of good questions, like what are the connections between self-efficacy and writing, and whether or not being a good writer will affect a students' self-efficacy. This graduate student teaches at an alternative school in Charlotte, and she talked about how a lot of her students are very poor writers. Regardless of whether or not they really are poor writers, they certainly see themselves in this light. Many of these students have been told their whole lives that they're not good at school, that they're stupid, that they won't succeed in life. So many of the students at this alternative school have internalized what they've heard, and their self-efficacy is practically non-existent. They don't ever see themselves as being able to succeed in life--life outside of the streets--and especially don't see themselves as being able to succeed in the classroom.

As a part of her presentation, this graduate student read a letter one of her students had given her. This student has been in and out of trouble his whole life and currently is in juvie. 17, about to turn 18, and in the 9th grade. His letter would be considered as "bad writing" by school--lots spelling and grammatical errors. This graduate student, this student's teacher, however, didn't read that letter as "bad."

He wrote about his life, his struggles on the streets and in the classroom. He talked about how he's never been a good writer and he never will be. He had no potential in school and no future outside of trapping--drugs was his only future.

This student bared his soul in that letter. And school would call it "bad writing." In class, I started getting caught up in my own anger over how the education system works. I was fuming, barely listening I was so mad. I'm glad life didn't leave me in that place for long. I hardly had any time to be angry. This graduate student, reading her student's letter, started crying. That completely unplanned, choking kind of crying. For a while, she just stood there. Her lips trembled, her face grew red and wet, and she just stood there. When she finally started reading the letter again, it took her several tries to find her voice, and when she did, it came out in soft, short breaths.

Everything that we had talked about in class that day--grammar, writing, literacy, self-efficacy, --melted away, didn't even matter. The love this teacher had for her student overshadowed it all. And it re-focused me on why I'm in this education track in the first place.

Jesus Wants to Save Christians

Sometimes, other people speak in words better than you can what your heart is crying out. Today? One of those times. Her street name--for anyone who does not know--is Addie Jo. However, I think when Jesus talks about her, he calls her "Beautiful." She has an incredible heart, an inspiring connection to God, and an impelling way of expressing these things in words. This same woman wrote the following post in her blog, blackbirdberry.blogspot.com, and like I said, her words speak better than any I have right now.

"Anger

I am so sick.

I hate this world. I hate it. When, when did we decide that it was acceptable, fine, commendable to ignore the needy in the world and focus always on ourselves? When did we decide that we could 'help' people by bombing their country, tearing their world apart and forcing ideas and systems of governance foreign to them on their lives? When did we decide that we could put down other people to the point that they actually think they're as worthless as we make them seem? When did we make the choice to stop seeing humanity and start seeing us and them?

When did we decide that it's fine to have people living on the streets, out in the cold, without a house, when we have so much extra room in our houses, extra guest rooms, huge living rooms, game rooms, multiple dining rooms? When did we decide that we could waste our money on food we don't even want, that we're going to throw away, that we're going to turn our noses up at, when there are people dying, dying, as in never get to eat another meal because they're dead, dying of hunger? When did we decide that we could ignore the rest of the world as long as we are fine?

What are our institutions, our places of learning, our high towers and money systems, banks and corporate offices schools? What are our sporting events? How much money there is laying around, how many resources used for these things, when we could save the world, fix so many problems with what is spent in idle pleasure?

I'm sick of it. I'm sick of spending hours studying things that don't matter, that I won't use, that won't make a difference in the world, or that only make a difference in my tiny sliver of the world. There is injustice and oppression. There is murder and genocide and starvation and disease and hate, hate, hate, hate and anger and waste. The waste of the entire human race, do you realize that? Do we realize what potential we have, what we could do, if we would just save us from ourselves? And I'm angry and I don't want to spend another day being less than this world needs me to be. If I'm going to wear a cross of ashes on my forehead, I want to be Christ to the world, not have to hang my head down and ignore the people who are freezing outside because I don't know their situation or how I can help them.

No, and I know there are noble things to follow in this society of ours. And I know there is good. But fuck it all, because that's what's keeping us complacent, keeping me complacent, that's what's stopping us from waking up and realizing that there are problems that need to be addressed. We're comfortable, we're fine, we don't need to do anything yet.

And I'm afraid to see what it's going to take to make us change."

--Addie Jo Schonewolf

"Jesus wants to save us from making the good news about another world and not this one. Jesus wants to save us from preaching a gospel that is only about individuals and not about the systems that enslave them. Jesus wants to save us from shrinking the gospel down to a transaction about the removal of sin and not about every single particle of creation being reconciled to its maker. Jesus wants to save us from religiously sanctioned despair, the kind that doesn't believe the world can be made better." --Rob Bell (Jesus Wants to Save Christians)

A Naked Bush

"Without training and pruning, fruit trees will not develop proper shape and form. Properly trained and pruned trees will yield high quality fruit much earlier in their lives and live significantly longer. A primary objective of training and pruning is to develop a strong tree framework that will support fruit production. Improperly trained fruit trees generally have very upright branch angles, which result in serious limb breakage under a heavy fruit load. This significantly reduces the productivity of the tree and may greatly reduce tree life. Another goal of annual training and pruning is to remove dead, diseased, or broken limbs. Proper tree training also opens up the tree canopy to maximize light penetration. For most deciduous tree fruit, flower buds for the current season's crop are formed the previous summer. Light penetration is essential for flower bud development and optimal fruit set, flavor, and quality. Although a mature tree may be growing in full sun, a very dense canopy may not allow enough light to reach 12 to 18 inches inside the canopy. Opening the tree canopy also permits adequate air movement through the tree, which promotes rapid drying to minimize disease infection and allows thorough pesticide penetration. Additionally, a well shaped fruit tree is aesthetically pleasing, whether in a landscaped yard, garden, or commercial orchard."

FOCUS--Fellowship of Christians United in Service--is a ministry GWU offers where teams of about 10 or so college students go out to different churches and lead weekend retreats for their youth groups. This past weekend, I went on a FOCUS trip to Wake Forest Baptist Church. Last year, I went on the same trip to the same church and loved it. It made such an impression on me that I made sure I went back again. This year, it was even better.

The focus of our weekend was John 15--the vine metaphor. Verse 5 is on the back of our t-shirts: "I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." We talked a lot about God's command in this passage: remain in me. I think that's where we miss it as Christians; we focus on the fruit. God's command is not to bear fruit but to remain in Him. The fruit? a byproduct, a symptom of relationship, something God creates, not me. My friend in the grad school here at GWU told me that in Greek, the word for "remain" is meneo, which refers to a dwelling place, a home. Our command is to dwell in God, to abide in God, and trust that S/He'll take care of the rest.

Verse 2 talks about a gardener, the one who comes around and prunes the vine's branches so they can grow more fruit, better fruit. Imagine what this looks like. You know, you're driving down the road and see a gorgeous house with clean, freshly-mowed grass, maybe some red and yellow tulips, several young, lush trees... and then the bushes right there in front, the ones that have just been pruned. And they look bad. I mean absolutely terrible. They ruin the whole scene. Bereft of their green robes, they've been stripped of all their leaves, all their dignity. Naked and exposed, they kind of hunch and crouch, trying to disappear, like they're embarrassed. Their limbs amputated, they look like they're in pain, and all that remains is a bunch of harsh-looking nubs.

And that's how I've felt lately. An ugly, hurting, embarrassed, pruned bush.

The past few weeks have been hell. I can honestly say they've been some of the most difficult and painful times in my whole life. I've never struggled so much with feeling rejected and betrayed, with feeling unloved and unappreciated, with feeling abandoned and deserted. I've felt naked and alone, punished even. Hurt, embarrassed, ashamed, ugly; and mourning the loss of my once emerald leaves, my once lush branches. I've been hunching over, crouching down.

God destroyed that this past weekend, and S/He used a bunch of high schoolers to do it. Fyodor Dostoyevsky says: "The soul is healed by being with children." I have found that to be too true. I think my problem the last couple weeks has been an issue of focus: my plans, my expectations, my hurt. I talk a lot about what I want, wanting to pursue my PhD, wanting to go to these places, wanting to meet those people, wanting to do this, accomplish that, have this title, win that award...

"Bro--you wanna do all that stuff? Fine. We can go that direction and do all those things, and I'll use it if that's what you want. But this--this!--is what I made you for. This--pouring into youth, investing in what matters, loving what really matters--is the passion I gave you, the passion we share. All those gifts I've given you? all those lessons I've taught you? all those branches I've pruned? it's all been for this. This is your purpose, your fulfillment, your love. This is the greatness I created you for."

Well damn, God. I get it.