"Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all we can ask or think, according to the power that works in us, unto God be all glory in the church and in Christ Jesus unto all generations for ever and ever"
Every once in a while, I'll write something down on paper because I feel like it's too intense or too emotional or too personal for the blog. Today, I was reading back through some of those writings, and I found a prayer that I had written while in a lot of anguish. I know, "anguish" is quite a dramatic word, but that's the place where I was. Long story short, God's answering my prayer in BIG ways. It is kind of intense so I'll only post an excerpt and edit some of it, but I wanted to post what I had written because God has answered this prayer far beyond what I even imagined, and so I pray it be a testimony to where God takes us when we cry out to Him/Her.
March 29th, 2010
21 years old.
Somebody give me a cookie. I'm officially an adult. Big freaking deal. I'm miserable. I've been miserable for a while because of keith-choices. And so, the beginning of this semester, I surrendered what I thought was everything. Only God-choices.
And I thought I was going to start living for something, I mean really living for something worthwhile. I thought that in exchange for the everything I had sacrificed that God would give meaning to this existence, purpose. "Youth, Keith, youth," I thought I heard God whispering. Okay, I'll give up everything to try to invest in youth. First of all, they're worth it, and also it's the best way I can love you God (who I can't see), by loving youth (who I can see). I've been telling God, "More! More! More! God, I'll give up everything! God, I give up f***ing everything for You, for making your name known, for loving everyone and showing people there's a better way of life!"
God, what the hell. I'm pissed off right now. Answer that! I really am trying the best I know how to open myself up and give it all to you. And I feel you. You and me are great, God. That's not why I'm pissed. I'm pissed because I'm right here. Right Here. Waiting to be used, begging to be used at GOD-SIZE LEVELS!
And what are you doing? It feels like nothing. It feels like you're not using me for a damn thing.
I feel like a bastard Isaiah. Like you've said, "Who will go for me?" and I threw myself out there, crying, "Here am I. Send me," and you're looking over me, looking right past. You're looking for someone else and you're not choosing me.
God. I'm tired of just giving people a "glass of fresh water." That's great and all, because life is like a race and sometimes all we can really do for people is give them a moment's worth of love and encouragement, a glass of fresh water, and then they move on and we move on and life moves on.
And that's great.
if you're small. if you're weak. if you don't really care. if you're not really asking, "Who will go for me."
No.
I don't believe that. I won't believe that. I will not believe that you just want me to give a couple people some glasses of fresh water and that's the extent of why I was put here on this earth.
I know You to be too big, too real, too loving, too caring, too burdened, too passionate, too strong, too willing, too able, too involved, too in love for just that.
So God, Show up! Damn it all, God! None of this matters! Show up! Be Big! Be Involved! Be Change! Be Love! Be GOD! And do something Huge! More, GOD, More!
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